Obviously…

Obviously I pissed some people off putting that ad/review of Martin Merrill’s lame-ass book up here. I’m not going to apologize. I thought it was funny that this guy was going to pay me if anyone followed the links and bought his book. Obviously, since noone reads my blog anymore, noone will see this explanation, noone will come back to check this out.  Ah… the joy of noone understanding anything real about me or anyone else up here in the Blogosphere.

What-the-f-ever people!

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April 29, 2009 at 10:25 PM 1 comment

100 Paintings… 100 Days

I told myself I was not going to review other blogs or sites when I started this. BUT (and NO nothing after this is BS) but here goes anyway…

I was lost. I’ll admit it. I was surfing randomly through the blogosphere when I lucked onto a site worth scoping out daily. If you like fresh art, check out “Off The Highway”, http://offthehighway.wordpress.com for a taste of things we all tend to ignore. Both artists, Patricia Scarborough in Nebraska USA and Mavis Penney in Labrador CAN, are creating 100 paintings in 100 days. They will be updating Monday through Friday from March until August 2009 and are coming up on their half-way mark. Yes, they are all for sale, but with the way things are lately, should we really resist capturing a moment in oils or watercolors? I guess a better way to put it might be… These two ladies are doing in paints what I try to do (so lamely sometimes) in my poetry.

Patricia Scarborough works in oils with fantastic brush-work literally bringing her works to life. So far, her paintings are outstanding. My personal favorite has to be the one of the Platte River. My viewpoint is not in the slightest way affected by the fact that I’m a native Nebraskan… No really, its not. Look for yourself. You’ll see what I mean…

In her own words, Patricia declares, “By painting each day for 100 days I hope to learn about that which exists off the beaten path, to learn about seeing, to learn about myself.” Somewhere in the mix, they are also teaching us to stop and take a look around before its gone or at least see it changing. 

Mavis Penney works in watercolor. I have to admit that I’m a little jealous… I personally could never quite get the hang of that medium. She has a gift for bringing her works right up off the paper. Many of them are almost totally 3-dimensional and life-like to the point of being photographic. Check out the pile of logs. Amazing detail…

They are holding a drawing on May 8, 2009 and giving away the paintings from Day 50. To enter, all you have to do is post a comment on their “Off The Highway” blog (link above). Just a random draw from a hat with 2 lucky winners, but once you see their works, you will want at least one. Besides, if you win, they say they’ll pay all the postage, etc. You just have to frame it and find somewhere to hang it.

Personally, I think these two are definitely a couple of great living artists to watch. And cool idea, Ladies. Very cool idea…

April 29, 2009 at 10:12 PM 5 comments

The Bad Punnery Poll (2nd Round)

These are the only puns which received any votes…

Answer Votes
3. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: ‘Does this taste funny to you ?’
   15%
4. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, ‘I was artificially inseminated this morning.’ ‘I don’t believe you,’ says Dolly. ‘It’s true; no bull!’ exc
   15%
8. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet,
   15%
7. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, ‘Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!’ The doctor replied, ‘I know you can’t – I’ve cut off your arms!’
   15%
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
   8%
9. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to her friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
   8%
6. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.
  8%
5. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.
   8%
2. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: ‘A beer please, and one for the road…’
   8%
 
   

April 23, 2009 at 11:07 PM

Work On…

I am currently working on turning “Work” into possibly a short series, or maybe just expanding on it… Not sure yet… Any suggestions?

April 21, 2009 at 11:02 AM Leave a comment

Am I Wrong?

Sorry to all you who look here to laugh. This poetic attempt was not intended to be funny… I just needed to get it out and felt this was a good place to do it.

A little background for this poem: I saw my ex-wife again earlier. She is more of a mess than she ever was. It felt like a huge release melted over me. Some deeper understanding for a moment, if you will. I can truly say that I have finally forgiven her for cheating (and no longer pity her either). It still feels a little weird though.

 

When I see my ex-wife doing worse than me,

Am I wrong to barely choke back a laugh?

If I feel no remorse that what once was just could not be?

Am I wrong when I do not care to hear her latest gaff?

Am I wrong? Am I?

Am I wrong to curse this clown I’ve become?

Wrong for falling up when falling down?

To see this “one true love” I once had (so dumb…)

Am I wrong for casting her out on the town?

Am I wrong? Am I?

When breach of trust sears your soul,

And all close round you the Bible quote,

Left standing dead-alive, a gaping hole,

Am I wrong as I just ago wrote?

Am I wrong? Am I?

Forgiveness comes in many a dire guise,

Peace of mind grows healthy again, slow,

Happiness be found in thoughts of the wise?

Am I wrong to laugh that I can grow?

Am I wrong? Am I?

 

© Kevin Sievers 04/21/2009

April 21, 2009 at 6:20 AM 2 comments

A (Rude?) Quickie

I know a wise man (or just some smartass old dude). Depending on who is around to hear it, he’ll call himself either or both. He spends his afternoons lounging on his favorite beat up old chair (like him as he soon tell you if you let him), sipping his whiskey, smoking his two nasty stogies, and running his mouth to anyone who passes by his porch or stops to listen. He’s the classic old guy with a million stories and nobody to listen (at least nobody who hasn’t heard them all before). He has several crusty old sayings that he bases his entire existence on. When I told him I was blogging, he made me promise I’d share some of his “lesser inflammatory remarks” up here. Well, after sorting through (and discussing) about a dozen, what follows are the “nicest” three:

“Never trust anything that bleeds for a week and don’t die.”

Now in its proper perspective, being an old biker idiom I recall from my own youth, this is not as bad as it sounds. But, he’s been married for over fifty of his 76 and her 68 years. When you see the two of them together, its like each is definitely the other’s better part. Whenever she’s not around and the subject comes up, he’ll very quietly tell you that he didn’t really trust her “until she was in her fifties. It was about the time that mental pause kicked in…”

The second: “Life is like a bowl of shit-covered cherries… Sometimes, if you dig deep enough, you’ll eventually find the sweet spot in anything.”

Personally, I think this about his funniest, being the optimistic pessimist I am. After all, one of my favorite expressions sometimes is all about looking at life through shit-splattered rose-colored glasses. But I digress…

His personal favorite lately: “Always treat your woman like you would your vacuum cleaner… If it stops sucking, you change out the old bag.”

Yes, I know its rude, crude and a few other things too. But I feel I must put this one into the proper context here. Ever since he learned about Viagra and Cialis, etc… well enough said… I hope.

Well, I feel a slight need to apologize if I’ve offended you (Yes, just slight…), but I do hope you’ve all enjoyed this quick little glimpse at my neighbor. Let me know what you think, good or bad… Thanks again.

April 18, 2009 at 10:20 AM 1 comment

Terrible Punnery

I (unfortunately sometimes) collect bad puns. Knowing this, an old (maybe soon to be un-) friend sent me the latest list the other day. Please forgive me if you keel over and turn to pertified wood from groaning so much, but here goes:

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A set of jumper cables walk into a bar. The bartender says, ‘I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.’
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: ‘A beer please, and one for the road…’
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: ‘Does this taste funny to you ?’
7. ‘Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.’ ‘That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.’ ‘Is it common ?’ ‘Well, It’s Not Unusual.’
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, ‘I was artificially inseminated this morning.’ ‘I don’t believe you,’ says Dolly. ‘It’s true; no bull!’ exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, ‘Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!’ The doctor replied, ‘I know you can’t – I’ve cut off your arms!’
13. I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, ‘Dam!’
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold, so they lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel,and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. ‘But why,’ they asked, as they moved off. ‘Because,’ he said, ‘I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.’
18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named ‘Ahmal.’ The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him ‘Juan.’ Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, ‘They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.’
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good)… A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to her friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

My personal favorite was, of course, number 19. What’s yours?

Late joiner? Puns have their own reword… argggh!

April 14, 2009 at 2:33 AM 6 comments

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