Posts tagged ‘sarcasm’

New Feature! Vidlinks From Funny Or Die!

Here’s a funny little videot I found on FunnyOrDie.com, Will Ferrell’s (etal) site. Hope you like it!

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/df31866dfd/how-to-get-laid-using-your-wii-from-not-a-banana

April 30, 2009 at 7:13 AM 2 comments

Banks… Just Another (Necessary) Evil?

Banks. What more could be said about banks? I guess I’m just too stupid to understand how they actually needed this bailout. Every bank I’ve personally dealt with in the last 5 years has left me feeling like a victim, like I should have to thank them for my business. Like I must pay them to use my money, pay them to not use my money, pay them to use their cards, pay them to get their cards, pay them, pay them, pay them? Not to mention the fees small stores and other companies are charged for taking their cards every time one is slid through the machine.

Before I start to sound like just another idiot ranting about the money our elected twits have doled out to banks, let me give you some background here. I’m not going to name names, there’s really no point since I assume that all banks screw people all the time, like they seem to have to do to me.

Sorry, but to make this bad play on words work, I’ve got to name one, US Bank. I use to have an account there but as I quickly learned, those are not initials but just a two letter word… Its “Us” Bank, not yours, mine or anybody else’s. Between the hidden fees, overdraught charges because of those fees, and telling me after the fact “that cash is not posted until the check you deposited with it is posted…” I spent more of my hard earned cash with them than through them. I love it when the employees smile that nice F-you grin and tell you how you screwed up and it will cost you, again. Don’t you? Long story short, I closed that account before they got me the fifth time. What can I say? Sometimes, it takes my blonde head a little longer than it should to pay attention…

The bank I have an account with now set me up with a “direct deposit” account. I didn’t want to get this account, but when I took a job as a telemarketer (Yes… running my hole on the phone for the betterment of my empty pockets) back in January, the company made me open that account just to get paid (I still doubt the legality of that). After a couple weeks of not being able to ram sales down their victims’ collective throats, I left the job but still had the account. In their fine print (they were kind enough to show me, smiling “nicely” of course), I am liable for fees after one period(?) of no direct deposits. Last I looked, it was up to $112(!) minus the huge 15 cents I left in it. Cool, huh? I talked to the third person today about this and she will be looking into changing the setup of the account and possibly dismissing those fees and overdraught charges. Possibly… What a word… I bet they have secret banking classes just to teach them how to tell us to “pay up or get f-ed more” in such politically correct words of pacification. I’m to report to the branch tomorrow. We’ll see…

Guess what? I like this bank! Instead of costing me more hardly-earned cash that I don’t have… They killed those charges AND (after some very simple paperwork) changed my mess into a regular FREE (gotta love that word!) checking account. This time I asked her if there were any fees on this new one before it starts costing me. (I’m learning, ok?) She replied with a firm handshake and “None.” We’ll see…  ;D

Either I was having too much fun whining or just getting lost in a rant, but back to my main idea here, ok?

Banks. Hmmm… Maybe they’re not all evil monsters after all?

April 30, 2009 at 4:53 AM 2 comments

The Bad Punnery Poll (2nd Round)

These are the only puns which received any votes…

Answer Votes
3. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: ‘Does this taste funny to you ?’
   15%
4. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, ‘I was artificially inseminated this morning.’ ‘I don’t believe you,’ says Dolly. ‘It’s true; no bull!’ exc
   15%
8. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet,
   15%
7. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, ‘Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!’ The doctor replied, ‘I know you can’t – I’ve cut off your arms!’
   15%
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
   8%
9. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to her friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
   8%
6. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.
  8%
5. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.
   8%
2. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: ‘A beer please, and one for the road…’
   8%
 
   

April 23, 2009 at 11:07 PM

A (Rude?) Quickie

I know a wise man (or just some smartass old dude). Depending on who is around to hear it, he’ll call himself either or both. He spends his afternoons lounging on his favorite beat up old chair (like him as he soon tell you if you let him), sipping his whiskey, smoking his two nasty stogies, and running his mouth to anyone who passes by his porch or stops to listen. He’s the classic old guy with a million stories and nobody to listen (at least nobody who hasn’t heard them all before). He has several crusty old sayings that he bases his entire existence on. When I told him I was blogging, he made me promise I’d share some of his “lesser inflammatory remarks” up here. Well, after sorting through (and discussing) about a dozen, what follows are the “nicest” three:

“Never trust anything that bleeds for a week and don’t die.”

Now in its proper perspective, being an old biker idiom I recall from my own youth, this is not as bad as it sounds. But, he’s been married for over fifty of his 76 and her 68 years. When you see the two of them together, its like each is definitely the other’s better part. Whenever she’s not around and the subject comes up, he’ll very quietly tell you that he didn’t really trust her “until she was in her fifties. It was about the time that mental pause kicked in…”

The second: “Life is like a bowl of shit-covered cherries… Sometimes, if you dig deep enough, you’ll eventually find the sweet spot in anything.”

Personally, I think this about his funniest, being the optimistic pessimist I am. After all, one of my favorite expressions sometimes is all about looking at life through shit-splattered rose-colored glasses. But I digress…

His personal favorite lately: “Always treat your woman like you would your vacuum cleaner… If it stops sucking, you change out the old bag.”

Yes, I know its rude, crude and a few other things too. But I feel I must put this one into the proper context here. Ever since he learned about Viagra and Cialis, etc… well enough said… I hope.

Well, I feel a slight need to apologize if I’ve offended you (Yes, just slight…), but I do hope you’ve all enjoyed this quick little glimpse at my neighbor. Let me know what you think, good or bad… Thanks again.

April 18, 2009 at 10:20 AM 1 comment

Luck’s Other Brother: Anti-Luck

I try to find some semblance of hope and beauty while looking at the world through my shit-colored glasses.

Continue Reading April 11, 2009 at 9:03 AM 2 comments

Top 10 Reasons People Won’t Like My Blog

First, let me lay it all out on the table… I’m doing the 31dbbb project  and our 2nd assignment is to make a list blog. The first thing that came to my twisted mind was this topic. I find that I should usually run with my gut instincts.

Secondly, in doing this list, a part of me really hopes this is not a self-fulfilling prophecy. A large, hairy, gangley part, no less.

And thirdly, I personally hate lists. You probably can’t tell from looking through the list below, so I figured I might should inform you of this.

  1. People suck. (Having been one all my life I know this.)
  2. Nine times out of six, I really don’t have a clue what I’m talking about.
  3. Most people like to learn (occasionally, even from their own mistakes).
  4. Some people have a tendency to think about what they read.
  5. Almost all people like to laugh. (the feel-good factor)
  6. Most people don’t want to have to think to get the punchline.
  7. In general, people don’t know I exist or just like to ignore me.
  8. It follows that people can be cruel. (Done there, been that)
  9. People come in all shapes and sizes. This list doesn’t.
10. People can be so stupid sometimes. (I know I can…)

Now, I could expand on all of these points, but I feel that for the most part, they speak for themselves. If anyone who actually reads this has any questions or comments please feel free to pump them in below. I will try to ignore them as much as possible. Thank you and have a great day.

April 7, 2009 at 12:21 PM 4 comments

Hello world!

Welcome to REAllidyCheck. This is my first attempt at a wider audience for my twisted outlook on life in general. I tend to see the humor in the most un-funniest of things. Not everything you will find here will be funny, some seriuos, some just plain stupid. But thanx for taking a look anyway!

March 29, 2009 at 1:31 AM Leave a comment


Recent Posts

Where to Find Me

Poetry Thoughts Uncategorized