Posts tagged ‘wit’

New Feature! Vidlinks From Funny Or Die!

Here’s a funny little videot I found on FunnyOrDie.com, Will Ferrell’s (etal) site. Hope you like it!

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/df31866dfd/how-to-get-laid-using-your-wii-from-not-a-banana

April 30, 2009 at 7:13 AM 2 comments

Banks… Just Another (Necessary) Evil?

Banks. What more could be said about banks? I guess I’m just too stupid to understand how they actually needed this bailout. Every bank I’ve personally dealt with in the last 5 years has left me feeling like a victim, like I should have to thank them for my business. Like I must pay them to use my money, pay them to not use my money, pay them to use their cards, pay them to get their cards, pay them, pay them, pay them? Not to mention the fees small stores and other companies are charged for taking their cards every time one is slid through the machine.

Before I start to sound like just another idiot ranting about the money our elected twits have doled out to banks, let me give you some background here. I’m not going to name names, there’s really no point since I assume that all banks screw people all the time, like they seem to have to do to me.

Sorry, but to make this bad play on words work, I’ve got to name one, US Bank. I use to have an account there but as I quickly learned, those are not initials but just a two letter word… Its “Us” Bank, not yours, mine or anybody else’s. Between the hidden fees, overdraught charges because of those fees, and telling me after the fact “that cash is not posted until the check you deposited with it is posted…” I spent more of my hard earned cash with them than through them. I love it when the employees smile that nice F-you grin and tell you how you screwed up and it will cost you, again. Don’t you? Long story short, I closed that account before they got me the fifth time. What can I say? Sometimes, it takes my blonde head a little longer than it should to pay attention…

The bank I have an account with now set me up with a “direct deposit” account. I didn’t want to get this account, but when I took a job as a telemarketer (Yes… running my hole on the phone for the betterment of my empty pockets) back in January, the company made me open that account just to get paid (I still doubt the legality of that). After a couple weeks of not being able to ram sales down their victims’ collective throats, I left the job but still had the account. In their fine print (they were kind enough to show me, smiling “nicely” of course), I am liable for fees after one period(?) of no direct deposits. Last I looked, it was up to $112(!) minus the huge 15 cents I left in it. Cool, huh? I talked to the third person today about this and she will be looking into changing the setup of the account and possibly dismissing those fees and overdraught charges. Possibly… What a word… I bet they have secret banking classes just to teach them how to tell us to “pay up or get f-ed more” in such politically correct words of pacification. I’m to report to the branch tomorrow. We’ll see…

Guess what? I like this bank! Instead of costing me more hardly-earned cash that I don’t have… They killed those charges AND (after some very simple paperwork) changed my mess into a regular FREE (gotta love that word!) checking account. This time I asked her if there were any fees on this new one before it starts costing me. (I’m learning, ok?) She replied with a firm handshake and “None.” We’ll see…  ;D

Either I was having too much fun whining or just getting lost in a rant, but back to my main idea here, ok?

Banks. Hmmm… Maybe they’re not all evil monsters after all?

April 30, 2009 at 4:53 AM 2 comments

The Bad Punnery Poll (2nd Round)

These are the only puns which received any votes…

Answer Votes
3. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: ‘Does this taste funny to you ?’
   15%
4. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, ‘I was artificially inseminated this morning.’ ‘I don’t believe you,’ says Dolly. ‘It’s true; no bull!’ exc
   15%
8. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet,
   15%
7. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, ‘Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!’ The doctor replied, ‘I know you can’t – I’ve cut off your arms!’
   15%
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
   8%
9. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to her friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
   8%
6. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.
  8%
5. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.
   8%
2. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: ‘A beer please, and one for the road…’
   8%
 
   

April 23, 2009 at 11:07 PM

Work On…

I am currently working on turning “Work” into possibly a short series, or maybe just expanding on it… Not sure yet… Any suggestions?

April 21, 2009 at 11:02 AM Leave a comment

A (Rude?) Quickie

I know a wise man (or just some smartass old dude). Depending on who is around to hear it, he’ll call himself either or both. He spends his afternoons lounging on his favorite beat up old chair (like him as he soon tell you if you let him), sipping his whiskey, smoking his two nasty stogies, and running his mouth to anyone who passes by his porch or stops to listen. He’s the classic old guy with a million stories and nobody to listen (at least nobody who hasn’t heard them all before). He has several crusty old sayings that he bases his entire existence on. When I told him I was blogging, he made me promise I’d share some of his “lesser inflammatory remarks” up here. Well, after sorting through (and discussing) about a dozen, what follows are the “nicest” three:

“Never trust anything that bleeds for a week and don’t die.”

Now in its proper perspective, being an old biker idiom I recall from my own youth, this is not as bad as it sounds. But, he’s been married for over fifty of his 76 and her 68 years. When you see the two of them together, its like each is definitely the other’s better part. Whenever she’s not around and the subject comes up, he’ll very quietly tell you that he didn’t really trust her “until she was in her fifties. It was about the time that mental pause kicked in…”

The second: “Life is like a bowl of shit-covered cherries… Sometimes, if you dig deep enough, you’ll eventually find the sweet spot in anything.”

Personally, I think this about his funniest, being the optimistic pessimist I am. After all, one of my favorite expressions sometimes is all about looking at life through shit-splattered rose-colored glasses. But I digress…

His personal favorite lately: “Always treat your woman like you would your vacuum cleaner… If it stops sucking, you change out the old bag.”

Yes, I know its rude, crude and a few other things too. But I feel I must put this one into the proper context here. Ever since he learned about Viagra and Cialis, etc… well enough said… I hope.

Well, I feel a slight need to apologize if I’ve offended you (Yes, just slight…), but I do hope you’ve all enjoyed this quick little glimpse at my neighbor. Let me know what you think, good or bad… Thanks again.

April 18, 2009 at 10:20 AM 1 comment

Terrible Punnery

I (unfortunately sometimes) collect bad puns. Knowing this, an old (maybe soon to be un-) friend sent me the latest list the other day. Please forgive me if you keel over and turn to pertified wood from groaning so much, but here goes:

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A set of jumper cables walk into a bar. The bartender says, ‘I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.’
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: ‘A beer please, and one for the road…’
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: ‘Does this taste funny to you ?’
7. ‘Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.’ ‘That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.’ ‘Is it common ?’ ‘Well, It’s Not Unusual.’
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, ‘I was artificially inseminated this morning.’ ‘I don’t believe you,’ says Dolly. ‘It’s true; no bull!’ exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, ‘Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!’ The doctor replied, ‘I know you can’t – I’ve cut off your arms!’
13. I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, ‘Dam!’
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold, so they lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel,and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. ‘But why,’ they asked, as they moved off. ‘Because,’ he said, ‘I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.’
18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named ‘Ahmal.’ The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him ‘Juan.’ Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, ‘They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.’
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good)… A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to her friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

My personal favorite was, of course, number 19. What’s yours?

Late joiner? Puns have their own reword… argggh!

April 14, 2009 at 2:33 AM 6 comments

Work

A wise man once told me that “you have to be able to laugh at yourself first, others second, or you just might die miserable. Either way, find the funny in life to live it right… having fun.”

Continue Reading April 13, 2009 at 5:55 AM 6 comments

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